The Definition of Family

The term family is described as:

1.     a group of one or more parents and their children living together as a unit.

2.     all the descendants of a common ancestor.

However, I would like to offer a third definition:

the bond with an individual who transcends friendship, embodying and often surpassing the love and support of family; a relationship built by choice rather than blood lines.

I lost someone last week. For all intents and purposes, my brother. Even as I write this, the reality has yet to be fully permeated by my psyche. Instead, little waves of memories wash over me, producing a brief breakdown, yet my body seems to be holding back the cry that I know is coming. A needed release. Purpose and practicality of details winning out over self-loathing and grief. I may be teetering between the first two stages of grief: denial and anger.

The anger, however, stems from my lack of control over the proper definition of family. The legalese concept of family bulldozes directly over any preconceived notions that our chosen family has a right to be involved, make decisions, or do as the beloved had intended. The importance of linguistics roaring loudly, reminding us to “get our affairs in order,” as the saying goes, meaning “get that shit in writing.” Word of mouth, best intentions, and a decades-long friendship will not supersede DNA.

I met Brad Lee Polo when I was pregnant with my oldest child at a backyard BBQ. It was my cheetah print vans that caught his attention. He was moving from Atlanta with his then-girlfriend, Annie – who would also enter my life and the familial zone. It was a casual friendship in the beginning. Still, months and years passed, and now, decades later, I have a lifetime of memories with this individual. Most memories also involve Annie, my “sister,” who preceded him in death. There are days when I feel like I’m living in an alternate universe, both individuals erased from my world. But perhaps this is how life goes. We live, and we lose people. And somehow, we keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Brad was an outrageous character. Long-haired, tattooed, and unapologetically himself. He was ridiculous, stubborn, and a pain in the ass. Frequently blurring the lines of boundaries and rules. Yet, he was emotional, giving, and had a heart of gold, making friends wherever he landed. There was rarely a year when he was not present for Easter egg coloring, pumpkin carvings, and ignoring my request of “no Barbies in the house” for my daughters while giving my son Hot Wheels for every occasion.

When my ex-husband and I married, Brad officiated the ceremony, ironically earning himself the moniker “Pastor Brad.” When I decided to shave my head in solidarity with my grandmother’s cancer, he became barber Brad, never letting me forget the moment. After moving from California to Ohio I would frequently get teary messages reminding me that he loved me and that I was a good friend. More recently, as his health care proxy, I would get anger-filled calls instructing me to get him home, as I apologized to the nurses and doctors he berated.

He spent his last years in the Ohio town where he grew up. Staying true to his outrageousness by collecting raccoons and possums as pets as if it was the most normal thing in the world; dying his hair a blue-black that was representative of his younger years; wearing Fuck Trump t-shirts throughout his conservative town – risking a loss of friendships over politics, while ignoring any style guidelines on the acceptability of fanny packs.  Unapologetic to the end.

The Psychedelic Furs concert. His favorite.

As his estate gets settled in ways he did not intend, his items sorted by hired strangers, and without my guidance, I’m learning to let go. The moments of our decades together will not get auctioned off or packed away. Stuff is stuff, but the memories are forever. And despite the descriptor that gets etched on his headstone, he was more than a son and a brother. He was family in ways that surpass textbook definitions. But mostly, he was unapologetically Brad.  

[This is all to say… make sure your affairs are in order. Legal documents take precedence over all else. Power of attorney and executor are not one and the same. And hug your people. You never know when it will be the last time.]

-trw